To you, who saved my life

To you, who saved my life

Have you been well?

Living with this quiet, chronic kind of anxiety,
I find myself thinking of you from time to time.

You’re doing well, right?

To be honest, I don’t really worry about you —

because you’ve always been like a compass-
steady, unwavering.

And I know that about you.

But sometimes I think of the warmth

you brought into the shambles of my life,

a certain sadness creeps in.

It feels like something I’ll never be able to hold again.

That summer, when we were twenty,

When I tried to end it all in the sea.

Ever since that day,

I always think of you whenever I’m near the ocean.

Maybe you’ve changed by now,

but for me —

that morning still feels raw,

and I know I’ll carry its weight for the rest of my life.

That pitch-black dawn at the beach —

you jumped in after me, remember?

You, barely taller than my shoulders.

Always small and fragile, no matter where we went.

Even now, thinking of you that day tightens my chest.

Much later, you wrote me something I’ll never forget.

You said:

“People who’ve only dipped their toes in a stream will never understand what it’s like to drown in the ocean. But you’ve struggled through it — so you’ll live well. You must.”

How could I not love someone like you?

Someone so stubbornly kind.

So deeply, beautifully human.

Even in London, in Paris, in Berlin —

you came to mind again and again.

No matter where I was,

what I missed the most was you.

Your presence.

I don’t use the word ‘salvation’ lightly anymore.

But you’ll always be more than that to me.

You, the kind of person who lies down on cold pavement just to see the stars.

Who buys a train ticket an hour before departure with no plan at all.

Who jumps into the sea for a friend,

and never hesitates for their dreams.

You, the kind of person who lies down on cold pavement
just to see the stars.

Who buys a train ticket an hour before departure
with no plan at all.

Who jumps into the sea for a friend,

and never hesitates for your dreams.

You told me once —

“The place you belong
doesn’t depend on how prestigious it looks.
Sometimes, everything we see is just a mirage.”

Because of you, I became someone who reads.

Someone who understands the difference
between thought and reflection,

solitude and loneliness.

Someone who loves the adverb “still”,

and the adjective “lovely.”

Maybe I’m a little romantic and not very practical.

But I like myself now.

I really do.

And I love that version of me who passed through you —

and came out this way.

Strangely enough,

I think you’re the one who helped me understand myself
the most.

You always understand and love everyone

as if you had lived through all their lives.

And in that wide, generous gaze

was me.

I had a beer by the sea today — not enough to get drunk.

But still, I thought of you.

So here I am, writing this.

Take care.

Live well.

With all my heart,

I hope you’re happy. Truly.

This long, rambling letter is just a prayer for that.

Goodbye.

05:48

To you who saved my life

To my one and only

To my Bestie